Amygdalatropolis
Some thoughts on the book Amygdalatropolis by B.R. Yeager.
There I sat, in my box shaped room, which by the way, is equivalent to Harry Potter living under the stairs. In my hands was the book Amygdalatropolis. I was just finishing up after having left it on its last two chapters for a few months. At this time, I was getting really into it, probably because I drank two espressos topped off with dextroamphetamine. Once finished with the last page, I got up to get a glass of water. Before I could even process the contents of the book fully, I noticed a piece of mail slid under my door (which had not been there 20 minutes before). I paused in my tracks. The protagonist of Amygdalatropolis, going by /1404er/, would have his mother leave his mail (and food) outside of the door, which he would retrieve after hearing her leave. Then it really hit me. The letter was my monthly neetbux cheque. I had that ‘holy shit’ moment, where I felt as fucked up as /1404er/.
Throughout the interchanging format of Amygdalatropolis, there are two distinguished modes of consciousness that we get to see — that with /1404er/’s perspective, where he is rotting in his room, and then anonymously on the imageboard of /1404er/ (basically just looks like the format of a 4chan thread). In these two aspects of his life, we also see the borderline paradox that is between consuming horrendous media (snuff, hardcore gore, and worse!), and /1404er/ who avoids leaving his room or speaking face to face with any living being. Recently, someone relayed to me a popular Dune quote about fear, which guided me into writing this post. /1404er/’s life is both full and devoid of fear.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear.” Herbert, Frank. Dune. 1965.
When I first heard this quote, my immediate reaction was to disagree with it (I do this with most things). However, I believe that there should be a reached equilibrium; you should be in a constant state of tug-of-war with fear. /1404er/’s internet life was completely devoid of fear— to the point where he experienced little to no emotion at all interacting with stimuli that any other person would normally fear. However, when interacting with his physical reality, he experienced nothing but fear, to the detrimental point wherein he could not leave his room, nor house, and let the world around him die with his soul. Throughout the novel, /1404er/ did break through a few boundaries of fear in his physical reality, some that most would never dare to cross, let alone brew within their mind. Yet… the simplest of activities were so out of reach for him: greeting a stranger (the mailman), conversing with his father, or taking a small walk around the neighborhood.
It was both fear, and the lack of, that killed /1404er/’s mind. Sometimes I fear that I’ve let myself become too desensitized to a lot of things I should fear, or should have adverse reactions to. I have met individuals online, and witnessed them, in a much worse state than me— almost reaching /1404er/’s level. My fear would be to reach that point of no return, where one not only manages to kill their own soul, but be cognizant of that, and still be going through the motions.